bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
