I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize