Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
