is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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