I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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