I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
