Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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