would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Less talking, more tequila
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
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