I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Hippo gnu deer
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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