I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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