all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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