good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
