I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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