sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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