I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize