Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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