He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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