So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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