T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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