The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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