the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize