My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
