Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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