Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
