First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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