Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
