my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
