My underwear smells like fireworks.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
