I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize