Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize