He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize