every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize