my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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