thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
