I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My ass is underappreciated
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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