i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I could fuck to npr.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
