I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize