grandma shit on top of the toilet
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
