i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
