Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
