Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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