dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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