I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
