evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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