The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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