Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
