I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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