I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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