I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
