she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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