My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
