kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
