I will die if light touches me.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
