The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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