You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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