I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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