did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize