ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
