So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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