I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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